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JU LUK GUD……not what Johnny Depp said to me

27 Aug

You know the day? It’s the weekend and you have no plans. No date. Friends are busy. (insert here that in my case I was recently, unexpectedly divorced and I’m fifty-something)  You’ve been cleaning house all morning.  Now all you want to do is to veg on the couch with a good movie and some junk food.  Of course, there’s nothing suitable in the pantry, so you stuff your hair in a ponytail, no makeup, stained t-shirt and baggie shorts and head to the convenience store.  I’m pretty sure I had a roaring red blemish or two also.  I really could not have looked worse if I’d have been drug through horseshit and hay. Convenience store.  No crowd of people to judge my obvious lack of basic female upkeep.  Perfect, run in, grab my stuff, and back out in a flash.  Not a thought or worry of meeting the man of my dreams here, looking my very worst.

As is always true for me at convenience stores,  I ended up with 14 more items than I intended to buy and I juggled them to the counter thinking, “It’s going to take this little Indian boy 2 ½ hrs to ring all this shit up and I’m about to piss off the other 2 people lining up behind me. “Why don’t you hit the grocery store woman?  What the hell?”    Oh well.  I’m a fifty something, slug-looking, attitude slinging woman.  I dare them to even sigh at me.  “Ice cold beer”,   I’ll take one of those too.

I spilled the contents of my arms into the 6” x 6” square of free space on the counter and was reaching for my wallet when I hear,   “Hello preddy laaaaadeee”.     I could have passed for Linda Blair when I whipped my head around to see who this young man was addressing.  Right behind me was an older gentleman who must have just finished mowing the lawn because he was covered in sweat and dirt.  Ha.  So I wasn’t the worst dressed patron.  Coming next to the line were a couple of young boys each carrying a soda and beef jerky, so unless I misheard, the preddy laaadee was me!  I turned back around to the still grinning young man when suddenly he burst into whistling and began tossing my items in the air, catching behind his back, dropping them on the floor and finally placing them in the bag.  I don’t know what he was whistling, but I was hearing the Hippy Hippy Shake as I watched the Tom Cruise in Cocktail routine.  I blushed and chuckled softly as he handed me the overstuffed little plastic bag with a wink and that I’m so hitting on you look.  Then he grinned, all bright eyed at me and in his heavily accented broken English, he spewed, “I donno wot day say abut ju,…… but ju luk gud”.  “I hope ju come see me next time”.

So much for my mission to be inconspicuous at the convenience store!  I grabbed the bulky little bag and bolted for the door after I managed to humbly thank him and not implode from the laughter roaring inside me.

If this had been a movie scene, I would have bumped into Johnny Depp, and been mortified because to meet  Johnny Depp  when you look like horseshit and hay would be well….. mortifying!  On the other hand, to meet Johnny Depp would be fantastic under any circumstance!   But you would never find Johnny Depp behind the counter in a  convenience store, and I doubt he would juggle your junk food, or even your junk, or his, or…….oh….Johnny Depp!!    So that makes no sense and this wasn’t a movie scene.  This was straight on, can’t make this shit up real life comedy.  (Although I bet Johnny Depp could play the part of the juggling Indian convenience store clerk.)

You get what I’m saying?  I’m hoping to meet a Johnny Depp type someday.  NOT be hit on by juggling young Indian convenience store clerks.  Is that asking too much really?  C’mon.  It could happen!   After all……..apparently…….Joan,  JU LUK GUD!

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